Remembering 6 years ago .....

6 years .. SIX years !!! Where on earth has the last 6 years gone???

This day 6 years ago I was happily plodding around Chadstone shopping centre .. 36 weeks pregnant and not at all aware that I was just hours away from the early arrival of my first child ...

At around 8pm Hubby and I sat down with some nibbles and a movie.. we got about 1 hour into the movie when a toilet break called (pretty standard stuff when 36 weeks pregnant !) I noticed a very small amount of pink blood at this point and after about another hour of discussions decided to call the hospital to make sure I shouldnt worry (or should worry !!) A quick call to the hospital and then we were in the car, heading to the hospital just to get checked out and make sure baby was ok... It was about 11pm.

We arrived at the hospital and half a dozen steps later my waters broke with a gush in the carpark !!! YIKES !!! I still recall saying to hubby at that point "ummm I think we might be meeting our baby very soon !"

I Waddled up to the birth wards and was checked out and told to rest there that night and that if labour hadnt progressed by itself that they would induce me at 9am...

By 1am labour had kicked in and hubby and I started the journey that would bring our first child to the world.. Labour was uneventful and reasonably quick.. by 7:48am our baby boy was born, perfect, beautiful. 6lb 7 oz and 51 cm long. Classed as premature even though only by a short while, our baby boy seemed to be perfectly fine.. but soon after birth two things were noted..

a) this boy wont suck and b) this boy wont warm up ..

so they rugged him up and popped him into a humid crib to get warm ... he looked so cute in there with his hat and hospital gown on ...

I took this chance to shower and dress and get some food into me !

During the shower I asked the nurse if "this much bleeding was normal?" .. how was I to know what normal was... her reply "its a fair bit but yes, quite normal"

So dressed and fed and gazing at my sweet boy getting warm in a crib, bliss ..

Then I recall a comment I made to hubby ....
"I dont feel very well"
then the next thing I remember is doctors and nurses everywhere... poking my vains to get an IV in, poking around "down there" and lots of pressing on my belly... I had had a large bleed .. but that wasnt the worst part... the worst part was the group of people around my baby... taking him away ....

My poor hubby ... I will NEVER forget his face as he stood in the middle of the room.. torn between his sick wife and his sick newborn son ... he stayed with me, on their instruction.

My son had gone into respiratory distress and was also hypothermic and hypoglycaemic ( I was diabetic in pregnancy) He was taken to a special care unit and given formula via a nasal gastric tube as he needed food in his belly fast ... That night I was wheeled down to see him and touch him a little....

By the next morning i was informed that he had developed a high grade "mystery" blood infection and was now in the NICU (NeoNatal intensive care unit) He was on IV antibiotics and fluids and had CPAP for oxygen... was covered in monitors and had a nasal gastric tube for feeding... He was so tiny and helpless and I just wanted to hold him but couldnt... It was like a horrible nightmare.



They kicked me out after two days so I travelled from home to hospital all day to bring milk and be with my boy. By day three I was allowed to have the occasional cuddle depending on how strong he was at the time...

This pic is of my first cuddle (apart from straight after birth)... they allowed the CPAP off for a quick cuddle (hence the velcro on face)


approx day 6, CPAP off, note the bruising on his poor little hand ... :(


All up he spent 10 days in hospital, slowly improving each day, he was SO strong .. It seemed like forever at the time.. I will never forget that last day when they said we could take him home.. the joy I felt, and the fear !

Now its been 6 years and although my boy took time to develop in some areas he is now just a normal, strong, healthy, often frustrating 6 year old boy and I love him to BITS !!

Happy 6th Birthday my precious S, You are more precious to me every day and EVERY day I thank God that you are here with us, that he gifted us with you !!

Blogging a struggle ...

Boy I am struggling to get here and blog...
The amount of times I have started an entry only to be rudely interrupted by Mr C ;p

I really want to come here and have time to write and process and vent etc.. but it just isn't happening... in fact I barely have time for anything these days.. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally exhausted ....

So here is a little update on us...

S is LOVING school and has settled in beautifully, I feel alot better about him being there and try my hardest to not worry about him all the time... Its a long journey ahead though.... He is turning 6 this weekend coming... SIX !!!

E is at kinder and very happy, although behavioural issues with him which I believe is due to hubby being away for work so much, E and hubby are just SO close... he really doesnt cope when he is away too much (and I cop it of course !)

Mr C is 9 months now and as delightful as ever ... he is almost crawling and pulling himself up on things... still wakes all night *sigh* and no sign of teeth yet but boy is my boy gorgeous.. I could just eat him all up :p

Hubby has been away for work ALOT... way, way too much... I miss him dreadfully and find the days so hard without him...

New glasses for me means I am seeing the world alot clearer ;p

I am expecting a niece later this year and we are all sooo thrilled as it will be the first girl baby born in our family.. very exciting news and I am happily buying pink wool to start making adorable stuff for my precious niece who I already love to bits.

Our family has also experienced loss.. just yesterday my cousin aged 27 died from substance abuse... he left behind 2 young sons... a huge tragedy and very, very sad for all. I hadnt seen him in years (lived in QLD) but we all grew up together and it just feels heavy in my heart.

So thats been my recent life in a nutshell ....
Hopefully I can get on to update more often :)

when things hurt

I am a person who tries not to let others upset me too much.. and I tend to let most things be like water on a ducks back etc, or even to simply ignore things, its not an easy thing to hurt me, I tend to guard my heart well ...

So it generally suprises me when something really upsets me....
but I guess when something hurtful happens, especially by people who really, probably should be close to me, it IS upsetting, painful and hard to just ignore ....

So how to rise above these things?... Do you just ignore, move on... or confront and discuss.. or is it better to do like this, share and process ?

Can a person really let go of hurt or is it just always squashed down, real low in the hope it doesnt rear its ugly head again ?? ... I always pray about such things and I KNOW God can take things from me... but do I let him? not sure ....

Dealing with hurt is something we all have to do at some stage of our lives. I just hope I deal with it the right way ........

The future & Babies ....

Babies is one thing I always ponder when I think of my future.. Its weird but I think I will never completely be ready to stop having babies... and yet I know its not really the right thing for me... The natural desire to have a baby is so overwhelming though isnt it ! Never mind that I often have friends and family encouraging me to have another which never helps !!

I just know that having a 4th will yet again mean less time for my children who are already here ! I find it hard enough helping S with his reader and caring for Mr C when he needs me... how much harder will it be when REAL homework is involved...

I know its only a short time that its hard but then it becomes 4 kids needing me, 4 kids to deal with, get around, care for.... 4 kids to feed, find time for and buy clothes/toys/stuff/sports programs for ... 4 to help with homework ...
car, house, holidays, visting others... it all changes ...

and its not that I think having 4 children is the wrong thing to do ... I just feel that I would struggle to stretch myself across 4 kids and give them each what I want to, me completely and totally, not distracted me or tired me .....

Then I have to wonder if I am able to have another mentally...? I have dealt with depression before and watch myself closely for a relapse... I feel good now but how do I know another babe wouldnt slip me into that abyss.. How can I be sure that emotionally I am stable enough to have another ??
Never mind the strain on my body physically :s

I also want to do something for me soon, just me ! and I know that will be harder not just with another babe but as I get older it will be harder....

Hmmm I am babbling but its part of the process I guess.

Much more processing to go I believe but at this stage I think I like my odd little number :)

Gratitude

Our baby boy was dedicated yesterday. What a beautiful service we had.

Surrounded by friends and family ( both blood and church) we gave thanks to our Lord for the gift of our son. Our minister spoke briefly on gratitude and how throughout everything, all our parenting woes and joys we should always be filled with a heart of gratitude for our own wee blessings. How true !
My aim is to hold onto that heart of gratitude and do everything knowing that no matter how I feel at that time (sad, tired, cross, frustrated, happy) I am nothing but thankful for the lives of my three precious sons.

Blessings to all of you today, I pray that you will be filled with a heart of gratitude. xx

Here is the photo montage and song we played during the dedication service, enjoy !

Praise

Now that Samuel has been at school most of the week I am finding myself feeling rapidly more at peace than I ever expected to.
To be honest I feel covered in prayer and held by God.
How else could such peace come from such turmoil and fear?

Its a nice feeling, although I know that the first sign of S NOT being happy at school will bring a whole cascade of issues but we will deal with them as they arise.

I loved my "verse a day" today.. it says

"We make our own plans, but the LORD decides where we will go."
Proverbs 16:9 (CEV)

Isnt that the truth ! Its made me think about my life journey .. and how no matter what I think I have planned God may have a completely different plan for me...
So I intend to walk in his light and wait with anticipation as he reveals my paths ...

First day ....

So yesterday S had his very first day of school.. He LOVED every second of it and went off again today VERY happy and excited as I expected he would.. he was so ready !

As for me.. well I am ok.. I did ok...
I dropped him off with no tears at all.. went and had a cuppa with some other prep mums in the staff room, all good...

Then I had to leave... Hmmmm, Not so good :(
I then wandered aimlessly around my house trying to get stuff done but feeling so odd, I cant even really put my finger on how I felt... I guess like a part of me was missing but also that lurking fear...

anyway today I felt better but I was so crazily busy with E that I hardly had time to worry, which was good.. I expect I'll be feeling weird about it for some time.

Anyway its supposed to be wordless wednesday but instead you get a whole bunch of words :p

So to end this post I have to say just how PROUD I am of my gorgeous prep boy. He is truly my world.

the inevitable

He starts tommorrow...

Today is the last day my #1 baby will be cared for solely by me..
The last day that he can be protected completely by me..
The last day that he is safe..

Its funny being torn between the degree of excitement that I feel for him, mainly due to his own excitement but also for all the amazing things I know he will learn about.... and my absolute and utter fear for him and his emotional well being...

I cant even process it anymore, I cant even think about it right now... I feel numb

*sigh*

Thankful Thursday ...

Today my husband is due home after working away for a few days.. Its so hard when he is away with work, its hard with the kids, I dont sleep much and well, I just plain out miss him !

I tend to whinge and whine when work calls him away from us but the reality is that we are very fortunate that he has a good job, regular income and everything we could ever need at home, plus thanks to his job I DONT have to work !! ...

So today I am thankful for my Husband and how hard he works to provide for our family and I will endeavour to not make him feel so guilty everytime work calls him away.
I am thankful for his job even though he often has to work night shift or away... We ARE blessed that he has this job at all !

(and Yay that he is coming home today !!)

One Word Wednesday ...

MESS !

School stress again ...

Yesterday we had a small catch up at the school grounds for the prep kids and mums .. It was lovely to meet some fellow "new prep" mums and I can see that some exciting new friendships will develop this year. It was also lovely to see S interact beautifully with the other children and play happily on the grounds that will soon be part of his daily routine. The other good part of the meet was discussing concerns with other mums and seeing that we all (not all, but most) have very similar worries about the start of school for our children....

But alas.. I spent another sleepless night, tossing and turning and fearing for my baby boy ...

I guess alot of what I havnt shared already was my own personal experience with school...

I hated it .. I hated primary and I hated High school.
I did have friends, some great friends and I have some great memories also ...
But for some reason I was a target.. I was bullied alot... and I cant even elaborate on that because my brain/heart has decided to just block out MASSIVE chunks of my school life... no joke, I have HUGE chunks missing.. when I meet up with old school friends I have no idea what / who they are talking about half of the time when they reminisce...

Now I know that what happened to me will not necessarily happen to my boy but thats the thing with fears, they are irrational ...

I wish I knew how to disconnect my own school story from my boys and feel excited for what good things will happen for him ..
I just dont know how.....

Thankful Thursday

So my plan is for every Thursday to do a "thankful" post.. The idea is to show others what I am thankful for but mostly to remind myself what I am or should be thankful for !!

So technically it should be deep and meaningful right...??

Well for the past week Mr C has been waking all through the night... and its holidays so I have all three at home... my home is messy, my body is tired and my brain is mushy ....

So today I am thankful for ...

COFFEE

One Word Wednesday ...

SUPERBABY !!!!

Photography

Photography is a hobby of mine... I go through stages where I really get into it, then I get let down, dissapointed .. shattered even sometimes (when doing shoots for someone else) and I give up.. put the (good) camera away and revert to snaps... well.. I always take snaps regardless.. thats an addiction ..

Hmm anyway lately I have been trying again.. and I took some sweet shots of my boys today... it was fun and I like them but they are NEVER even close to what I want or expect .. I'll never be a "photographer" I need to get over it and just try to enjoy it like I used to ... Because as soon as I put pressure on myself I fail .. *sigh* What a whinge :p

Here are a few I took today











They are lovely.. I love them anyway (because they are my gorgeous boys more than anything) but they just arent quite up to scratch..

I am my own worse critic...

For interest sake you can view some of my other photos at RedBubble (http://www.redbubble.com/people/snapintoit) Cant seem to get a link to work ??

Holidays

We just arrived home from a lovely family break at Phillip Island. A few days with just me and my boys, a visit from the pastor and his wife (great friends) for dinner one evening and a two night visit from our dear friends and their children (which meant 6 boys all up.. Crazy fun !)

It was great talking to all these people who are in similar life stages to me and hearing their take on school, children growing up etc and how they have dealt with certain situations as they arose. I know we are all different and how we choose to handle situations varys but its great to get POV's from people I admire, respect and trust.

Anyway back to our holiday... It was a delightful time with my precious boys. They are always so good really (give or take a few "moments") and on this break inparticular I thought they were just lovely, delightful and fun. We really did have a great time....

Oh, but there was this one night.. it was the night our lovely pastor and his gorgeous wife came to visit, we went out for dinner and that was great, went well... boys behaved, food was nice and conversation even better.. when it was time to leave there is a small play area outside the restaurant and the boys played there while we said our farewells...

then we hear that cry.. you know the one... its the "I have really hurt myself this time" cry and its coming from our 4 year old.

Hubby runs to get him and when he gets back to the car (so a space of about 1 minute) E's cheek is the size of an apple !! He has fallen off a stepping log and landed, cheek first, on another stepping log .. ouch !

So now what...? We are on holidays, outside a restaurant ... ARGH !
After racing back inside the restaurant and getting some ice and some local advice we headed down to a GP's who open until late, thankfully still open.. quick check up and back in the morning for a CT scan to check for breaks to the facial bones... Thank the Lord there are no broken bones and its just then a slow road to recovery.. at this stage (5 days on) he is still slightly swollen and has a cheek that is black and blue ! but at least he can smile again :p

This was about 30 hours after the accident...



and this is today ...



The best day of our holiday was the day when it was 40 plus degrees here in VIC. Not nice for the bulk of the day but when it hit about 7pm we all headed down to the surf beach at the end of the street and enjoyed the ocean and the cool breeze that came off it.. pure bliss and so much fun ...

The boys digging at the waters edge...



Mr C is fascinated by the sand (his 3rd time ever on the beach)



Beach play as the sun goes down.. How can you not love this !!?? ...



Mr C enjoys the sand and his brothers play at the waters edge..




Its memories like this that I have to hold onto, grasp onto and hold close... Forever in my heart
(lets not discuss that very night and trying to sleep with a low of 30 degrees !!!... you'll ruin my happy memories!! ;p)

Welcome to my Blog

This is my very first entry in my lovely new Blog... I decided to do a Blog simply because I am not coping well with the stage of life that I am in and felt the need to journal the journey...

Why arent I coping with my current stage of life??
well, that is the million dollar question ...

So who am I?, what am I?, What do I do? and what am I not coping with?...

I am a 35 year old mother of 3 adorable boys. I have been at home with my boys since my eldest was born, almost 6 years ago... I enjoy being a full time mum thoroughly.

I am also a wife, to my darling husband, a sister to two younger brothers and sister in law to three amazing and different women, a daughter to my fantastic parents, an aunty to three wonderful little men and a friend of many.. infact I am blessed with many precious friends. I have a lovely home in an area that I love and many fantastic hobbies ...

So im a nutshell I am just like any average woman, I am no one special and I kinda like it that way !

I am a christian and feel beyond blessed to pesonally know the man who saved me, ME !

What could I possibly be concerned with right???

Well I guess the problem is that all of my life i have set myself up for what I have right now... house, husband, children ... etc etc.. great, achieved *tick, tick, tick*

But now as my baby boy is here and no more babies are on the cards for us (and thats a definate !) and my eldest baby is about to head off to school (in less than a month away *gulp*) I see myself with a problem ...

Who am I if I am not a mother... ??

So why I know you are all saying "Oh my, you have so much more mothering to do.." and yes, obviously I am aware that there is more to mothering than the pre school years, but lets be honest with ourselves... it changes...

Soon it will be pointless for me to stay home and I'll need to search for work ...
My babies will go from cuddley toddlers, to chatty school kids, to grunting and eating teens, then leave, cleave and become parents themselves (God willing)

So what do I want to do?... honestly?... I know life is for living but I just want to wrap them up in time stopping blankies and keep my babies with me forever, getting sloppy kisses, messy cuddles and that undescribable joy and fun that small children bring to your days ....

So as irrational as it sounds (and I know it does) this blog will be my journey as I process me and my family and learn to grow up with them as they grow up ...