The future & Babies ....

Babies is one thing I always ponder when I think of my future.. Its weird but I think I will never completely be ready to stop having babies... and yet I know its not really the right thing for me... The natural desire to have a baby is so overwhelming though isnt it ! Never mind that I often have friends and family encouraging me to have another which never helps !!

I just know that having a 4th will yet again mean less time for my children who are already here ! I find it hard enough helping S with his reader and caring for Mr C when he needs me... how much harder will it be when REAL homework is involved...

I know its only a short time that its hard but then it becomes 4 kids needing me, 4 kids to deal with, get around, care for.... 4 kids to feed, find time for and buy clothes/toys/stuff/sports programs for ... 4 to help with homework ...
car, house, holidays, visting others... it all changes ...

and its not that I think having 4 children is the wrong thing to do ... I just feel that I would struggle to stretch myself across 4 kids and give them each what I want to, me completely and totally, not distracted me or tired me .....

Then I have to wonder if I am able to have another mentally...? I have dealt with depression before and watch myself closely for a relapse... I feel good now but how do I know another babe wouldnt slip me into that abyss.. How can I be sure that emotionally I am stable enough to have another ??
Never mind the strain on my body physically :s

I also want to do something for me soon, just me ! and I know that will be harder not just with another babe but as I get older it will be harder....

Hmmm I am babbling but its part of the process I guess.

Much more processing to go I believe but at this stage I think I like my odd little number :)

Gratitude

Our baby boy was dedicated yesterday. What a beautiful service we had.

Surrounded by friends and family ( both blood and church) we gave thanks to our Lord for the gift of our son. Our minister spoke briefly on gratitude and how throughout everything, all our parenting woes and joys we should always be filled with a heart of gratitude for our own wee blessings. How true !
My aim is to hold onto that heart of gratitude and do everything knowing that no matter how I feel at that time (sad, tired, cross, frustrated, happy) I am nothing but thankful for the lives of my three precious sons.

Blessings to all of you today, I pray that you will be filled with a heart of gratitude. xx

Here is the photo montage and song we played during the dedication service, enjoy !

Praise

Now that Samuel has been at school most of the week I am finding myself feeling rapidly more at peace than I ever expected to.
To be honest I feel covered in prayer and held by God.
How else could such peace come from such turmoil and fear?

Its a nice feeling, although I know that the first sign of S NOT being happy at school will bring a whole cascade of issues but we will deal with them as they arise.

I loved my "verse a day" today.. it says

"We make our own plans, but the LORD decides where we will go."
Proverbs 16:9 (CEV)

Isnt that the truth ! Its made me think about my life journey .. and how no matter what I think I have planned God may have a completely different plan for me...
So I intend to walk in his light and wait with anticipation as he reveals my paths ...

First day ....

So yesterday S had his very first day of school.. He LOVED every second of it and went off again today VERY happy and excited as I expected he would.. he was so ready !

As for me.. well I am ok.. I did ok...
I dropped him off with no tears at all.. went and had a cuppa with some other prep mums in the staff room, all good...

Then I had to leave... Hmmmm, Not so good :(
I then wandered aimlessly around my house trying to get stuff done but feeling so odd, I cant even really put my finger on how I felt... I guess like a part of me was missing but also that lurking fear...

anyway today I felt better but I was so crazily busy with E that I hardly had time to worry, which was good.. I expect I'll be feeling weird about it for some time.

Anyway its supposed to be wordless wednesday but instead you get a whole bunch of words :p

So to end this post I have to say just how PROUD I am of my gorgeous prep boy. He is truly my world.

the inevitable

He starts tommorrow...

Today is the last day my #1 baby will be cared for solely by me..
The last day that he can be protected completely by me..
The last day that he is safe..

Its funny being torn between the degree of excitement that I feel for him, mainly due to his own excitement but also for all the amazing things I know he will learn about.... and my absolute and utter fear for him and his emotional well being...

I cant even process it anymore, I cant even think about it right now... I feel numb

*sigh*